“Hey John” Advice Column – Volume 6

Hey John,

We have been married for seventeen years, and we are thinking about getting a divorce. We argue about everything, and every day is as bad as the day before. Are oldest kid is about to graduate, and the other two are fifteen and twelve. The oldest one hardly comes home anymore because he would rather be with his friends. My question is, does marriage counseling ever do any good? I have a couple of divorced friends who went to counseling, and they say it didn’t help them at all. What do you think? Even though you’re in this business, can you give me an honest answer? – Slightly Cynical

Dear Slightly,

I’ve been told to never ask a barber if you need a haircut.

I’m sure to be a little biased, as it’s my profession, but here’s my perspective.

Keep in mind that one person’s opinion is not necessarily an accurate representation of all counselors. There are a lot of pieces in play in marriage counseling. First is a therapist’s knowledge. Secondly, the ability to teach and motivate others how to make changes is important. And we haven’t even brought up the struggling marriage yet. One strength or handicap in a marriage is a combination of the people’s original concept of marriage, coupled with the ever elusive work ethic. If people get married because “I love you more than anyone I’ve ever met”, is different than “I love you with all my heart, and I will stay with you all my life”. You know: the ol’ “for better or for worse” promise.

Then you need to factor in each person’s work ethic. This is a tough one. Is a person willing to work until the job is done, or until they tire of it? Learning and practicing new behaviors and responses is a lot of work. For example, if he is a late night QVC freak, and charges stuff all the time until the couple has developed a great debt, working at not doing something you like to do in order to benefit your wife and family takes a lot of work. Is he willing to struggle to take care of someone he loves? What if she has developed a hairpin temper and yells at the slightest irritation, can she learn to hold up a finger (not the index finger) in a “wait, I’ll be right back” poise, retreat into the bedroom to regulate her breathing, say a prayer (or whatever), and return to intelligently and calmly discuss the issue at hand? Obviously, there are terminal issues in a marriage.

Abuse, serial infidelities or becoming permanently lost in a chemical usually ends badly. However, in my own work, these are the minority of failed marriages. In this throw-away society, we have learned that everything is temporary: clothes, toys, friends, marriages, only to name a few. Working hard at solving problems deepens our love and admiration for each other.

I believe people should fight the trend of mindless society. Always take care of each other, appreciate each other’s efforts, and work hard. So the short answer to your question is: yes, relationships can improve, and counseling can be a big help.

P.S. Not everyone has scary, future-threatening struggles with their marriage. Although a lifetime with each other will have some difficult times, they are counter balanced by great joys and adventures. My personal joys far outweigh the struggles in a big way.

Hey John,

I’ve got an employment problem. In my town where finding a job can be difficult, I have a double-job problem. I have been working for a man who I owe a lot to. He has been a big help to me for a number of years. However, I have no benefits. I have just been offered a job by a company who is offering me benefits. I could really use insurance for my family. The pay is about the same. But my leaving will put my current employer in a fix, as we are in the middle of a job. Any ideas – Not Jobless

Mr. Job,

Wait. I’m sorry. I’m kind of in a ecstatic stupor over here. If I read your letter correctly, you are troubled by the increasingly rare and wonderful issue: the L-word. Loyalty.

Lucky you, and lucky anyone you work for. To not just walk away from someone who has helped you should be standard behavior, but unfortunately, it’s not. I agree with you that this is a dilemma. Providing properly for our families is a priority. Thus, taking a good job with insurance for the family is the thing to do. However, I don’t know what the family obligations are, thus I don’t know if part two is possible. Is it possible to work a double shift for a while? Or perhaps some long weekend days with your old job in addition to your new hours? If it is possible, even with temporary extreme effort, to not desert someone you owe a debt of gratitude to is also the way to go. Additionally, modeling good behaviors is the best way to pass on the gift to our children.

You sound like you would be a good man to know.