“Hey John” Advice Column – Volume 4

I have a cat problem. My son, who is unreliable in keeping jobs moved in with me six months ago. His ex-girlfriend has custody of their son, but he has him every other weekend. Of course, that means I have him every other weekend, as my son still likes to party with his friends, and leaves four year old “Jason” with me. He also brought his two grown cats with him, but they are mine to feed and everything else. John, I like cats- just not everyone else’s cats. They claw my furniture, and when they are in a bad mood, urinate in various places in the house. Last month my son got a job in a town two hours away. He left the cats with me, as his new apartment is pet-free. I have told him I don’t want the cats, but he gets angry with me and tells me if I won’t keep them, I should just take them out back and shoot them because that’s what the pound will do with them anyway. I’m in a fix. What should I do? – Cat Stepmom

Dear Cat Mom,

The problem is that your son is an entitled gimmi-gimmi-gimmi boy, and you join the ranks of the Unassertive People of America. However, you need a solution, not a diagnosis. Entitled people feel like they deserve stuff not because they have earned it, but because they want it. And when they don’t get it, it’s someone else’s fault, not theirs. A potential cure for him might be to ship him off to Calcutta and have him do volunteer work for a year. That seems, however, quite unlikely.  It is extremely difficult to change someone against their will. It is possible though to change ourselves. Deciding on a course of action is step one. For example, telling him he now has exactly thirty days to get his pets or you must give them to the local humane shelter. Mark it on the calendar and make the appropriate plans to do it. Secondly and perhaps most importantly: NO BLUFFING. If you can’t follow through, then do not say it. No threats, just action. If you are worried about how to deliver the news, you can preface the call with a compassionate statement such as, “I feel so badly to tell you this, but…” When he argues, be kind, but do not defend your position. You can simply repeat the order. Although the transition from unassertive to properly assertive is a bit unnerving for most at the beginning, it may be one of the most important improvements you will ever make. Take a deep breath, say a prayer (or whatever you do to strengthen yourself) and improve your existence.

Hey John,

I am a transgendered person who was born a male. I have never fit in the male world, and am most comfortable dressing as my real self: a transgendered female. However, my appearance is undisguisably male. In other words, I still don’t fit in anywhere. I live in an area that being transgendered is a minority, to say the least. Although no one is beating me up or anything, I’m getting tired of all the stares, and sometimes dirty looks. I can’t move away, so that choice is out. Any ideas? – Looking Good In Pink

Dear Mr./Ms. Pink,

It appears that transgendered is the new minority. And we know it is improper to be prejudiced towards minorities. Nevertheless, the reality is: prejudice exists. Do you have the right to dress as you wish? Of course, after all, this is the United States of America. Should you expect to be welcomed and accepted everywhere you go? Negatory. However, there is a compromise available, if you choose to use it: dress for the occasion. Going over to friends on a weekend night? Getting glitzy could be appropriate (notice I said could be). Going out to a horseshoe tournament? Perhaps a country look, with a less feminine touch would be in order. When you say you are tired of the dirty looks, I presume you are not out to make a statement, but rather live as peacefully as you can. Embracing your identity can co-exist with avoiding standing out like a 100 watt light bulb. I wish you peace. And common sense.