“Hey John” Advice Column – Volume 3

Hey John,

Am I being unrealistic in my marriage? We have been happily married for eight years, have two children, and are talking about a third. I know our current and future years are not still the honeymoon period, but I find myself a little less happy than I thought I’d be at eight years. I am the center  of our family, and “George” is a less enthusiastic person. He comes home from work and has less patience with the girls than he should have. I notice the kids gripping about each other in the same manner he does. We share chores better than most couples, and he’s a good provider. However, he is less and less expressive about being with me. The lack of a warm greeting when one of us gets home is one example of a sad change. I don’t need advice on saving my marriage, but making it better. Am I looking at our future: more and more drab? Despite it all, I still love him with all my heart. – San Angelo Annie

San Ann,

I have to make an assumption here: y’all planned on this marriage being forever, and not just until you bugged each other too much. When we first begin courting each other, all the special stuff comes effortlessly. Dressing up for each other, going out of our way to please the other, basically working to make the other person know how special they are to us. Then, as our life together progresses, we slip into normal/mindless mode. We stop greeting each other with a loving embrace and kiss, happily making little sacrifices for each other, in other words, we stop trying to impress each other.

Years ago, when my daughter got a new(er) car, she had to make the transition from a standard transmission to an automatic. Rather than being pleased with the ease of driving, she expressed her concern: “Daddy, this is kinda boring. I don’t know what to do with my left foot [the clutch] or my right hand [the gear shift]”.  It’s the opposite order with our marriages. We’re on automatic in the beginning by trying to make the other person happy. Then, later, we change to a manual transmission; we have to manually change gears with a little bit of effort. So what’s the problem? If it doesn’t come naturally, we don’t do it. 

So specifically I’d recommend having a kind sit-down with each other. Rather than tell someone what they are doing wrong, you can remind them of how much you look forward to seeing him, and you would love to be met with a loving kiss (even a light kiss is better than a wave from across the room). Don’t be scared to lead the way. Sometimes we boys need loving reminders of how to take care of our girls. Without being overly demanding, help him to remember how to look out for you. Plenty of older couples lead “normal” existences  as  good roommates. Personally, I’d rather try to at least infrequently  impress my girl.

Hey John,

I am a seventh grade girl and I am being bullied at school by some girls. Lucky I have a friend who sticks up for me, but I’m still worried. Does anything work to stop bullies? – Sevie

Sevie,

You probably know the adult-advice drill by now: if such a person exists, confide in an adult you can trust to intervene for you. Parents can intervene on your behalf, and make a plan with the principal. A principal or assistant principal who cares about the wellbeing of the students would take the bullies aside and let them know they are being closely scrutinized for lousy behavior. If it were to take place again, severe sanctions should reign down on them.

Have you ever noticed that they is rarely a fight between two bullies? Rather, they pick on people, well, like me in junior high: scared kids who represent no threat to them. What I didn’t know back then was the bad news/good news. The bad news is that they usually won’t stop unless there is some consequence that follows their bully behavior. The good news is that it is possible for us to stop it ourselves.

Although I was massively intimidated by Stan, The Worthless Bully, I finally (accidentally) made an impression on him. On my way to English class, every single day, he’d pass me in the hall and slug me on the arm. Once, he left a small but painful bruise on my arm. The next day when he slugged me, he hit the bruise perfectly. It hurt so much, I instinctively punched him HARD on his arm. He was pretty mad, and hit me another time while he cussed at me. And that was it. He never hit me again. 

Now I am not advocating violence, but bullies have no reason to stop unless they are concerned about their own wellbeing. If you can’t get school assistance, a shove might be answered with a hard shove back. Although an inappropriate response such as a heat-seeking missile is overkill (pun intended), there are a number of ways to getting these sad little fools to stop. Start working on them.

p.s. I know some counselors who have called the principal at the request of the student, with outstanding results. Let us be pro-active in protecting ourselves.