Hey John: Parenting Children Close in Age, and A Disrespectful Boyfriend

HeyJohn,

I have 2 sons, who are only 19 months apart (7 and 6 years old). They are best friends and want to do all of the same things. As a result, I think that my husband and I treat them like they are twins – same room, same responsibilities, same expectations. How can we best treat them their respective ages? Is it necessary? Am I worrying too much or being a good parent?

Mother of the Brothers

Dear Good Mommy,

Both actually. With children this close in age, the need for separation of age-related activities or responsibilities is negligible. Slightly separate bedtimes for the boys, for example, while not unreasonable (at least in the future) would more than likely result in both boys being sad or scared. As they get older, occasionally taking the elder brother aside to comment on his acting like an extra responsible big brother may meet the need of reminding him of his status. The good traits we wish for our children: care for each other, chore completion, family loyalty, etc. are not so age dependent as they are proper expectations of well raised children. 

HeyJohn,

A few weeks ago I was with my two children and my boyfriend in Walmart when he went off on me. Honestly, I don’t know what I did to make him mad, but he screamed at me, “Stop being so *f*ing stupid! What the hell is wrong with you?!” The kids were scared and probably twenty people turned around to see what was happening. I was so embarrassed. What’s wrong with him? Do you think he can change?

WallyWorld Worried Woman

Dear WWWW,

I don’t mean to be harsh, but the real question is, what’s wrong with you? Why would anyone, much less a mother of two children subject themselves to intimidation and verbal abuse?  Did you come from an abusive family that such heinous behavior was accepted? Why would you think that your kids will not continue this same pattern? Getting involved in activities that involve your being in service to others is a start in building our self esteem. Active involvement in community parenting classes (Step Parenting is only one of many such programs) is also another important step forward. If you tolerate such terrible behavior, you are guaranteed to lead a life of sadness and misery. Same with your kids. Improve yourself and save your kids at the same time.