“Hey John” The Mysterious Case Of The Missing Self  Esteem

Hey John,

My daughter is a high school senior, and I am a worried mother. She is a good student and a good athlete. Her dad divorced me when she was younger, and has become increasingly less and less part of her life. Her behavior is probably far better than most teenage  girls, both at school and at home. But her “boyfriend” is hurting her self esteem. He talks with other girls as he pleases, but demands she never talk with other boys. He demands to look at her phone to “check on her”. He is also alienating her from her friends. He gets mad at her and yells at her a lot!  She just takes it. We, or rather I, didn’t raise her like this. Her dad leaves a lot to be desired, but she didn’t learn this was okay behavior when I was married him. What is wrong with her? Is there anything a parent can do? – Worried Mom

Dear Mom,

This is almost every parent’s nightmare: losing our daughter to some immature, massively possessive boy who treats her like crap (or worse). I have previously written to the insecure males on how to stand a chance to understand and improve themselves: stupid-possessiveness-and-the-easily-predictable-effect-on-the-marriage. However, he is not the one writing, hoping to improve, so the chances of him improving his behavior are slim to none. Rather, as you are obviously aware, it’s the girl who needs to enrich her life. Plenty of us are sadly extra needy when we are young. This need can be so strong, it shorts out the brain, and rather pathetic behavior may ensue. This is where we parents come in. We need to increase the odds that when some foolish boy comes around, he doesn’t fill the need for acceptance and importance for our child. Normal conversations with our children exploring their views, opinions and tastes are not common with teenagers and their parents. And pay attention to the word exploring. I didn’t say arguing and trying to change their minds. Asking our child’s opinion of things in order to know them better is huge counterweight against the inappropriate boyfriend being the first one that makes our child feel needed and important. You want to protect your excellent daughter? Help to strengthen her. Consistently. And, if you are so inclined, tossin’ a couple of prayers her way might be a good idea.

P.S. A vast majority of well raised teenage girls grow out of this needy stage and find their own voice and hearts and a quality person to eventually fall in love with. Keep working at helping her feel important and needed.