“Hey John” Advice: Navigating Expectations When Older Kids Move Back Home

Hey John,

Our oldest daughter moved back in with us after a breakup. We agreed she could stay with us while she saved up money to get back on her feet. Because she’s over 18, we let her know that our only “rule” for living with us is to text us and let us know if she was going to be out after 11:30 p.m. so we wouldn’t have to worry. We don’t ask for rent money, grocery money, utilities, we even let her use our car whenever she needs. The first few weeks were fine, but then steadily she started staying out late, even all night, without communicating with us at all. And she’s started taking the car without asking. We try to talk to her about it, but she always has an excuse and says we don’t understand what she’s going through. We’re not sure what to do. – Feeling Used Mama

Dearest Mama

Explaining the “text by 11:30” is not a rule, but just a worry prevention act should help to reduce resistance to the “don’t treat me like I’m a baby” issue. Further explaining that she is not calling to get permission to stay out late, but rather to just help her overly worried Mom get back to sleep at 2 a.m. Most parents have this potentially sensitive issue to deal with when their college kids come home for vacation. On their own, they come back when they want to without having a worried parent imagining head-on collisions with 18-wheelers. Really, it’s a pretty simple courteous act. However, our job as a parent never really goes away. If our semi-adult child is out of line, it’s still our duty to teach. I would suggest for your consideration the following steps:

1. Extend one more explanation of your expectations and why (it’s respectful, ya know?).

2. Hold said child accountable for coming up short by temporarily revoking car borrowing privileges (a day or two should suffice). Obviously they can still go out- just not with your wheels.

3. Taking the car without permission is a much bigger violation. I’d disable the vehicle overnight, if you can. My old Suburban has a little removable switch-thing near the underside of the dash that keeps it from starting. Heck, I’d get a steering wheel lock device ($9.95 on eBay) before I’d let my kid take my car a second time.

4. Don’t get all crazy about violations. Deal with them calmly and competently. We are always teaching our kids how to be parents themselves.

P.S. When our kid says, “you have no idea what I’m going through,” they’re probably right. Proper sympathy and offering a loving helping hand counts for a lot.

Hey John,

My wife and I were having a discussion about the many differences between men and women. Do you answer questions that are just kind of fun? I know there must be plenty of exceptions to the “rules”, so to speak, but as an example, many males like knives, and not so with women Why do you think that is? – Mack

Mr. Mack,

Well, it’s all personal theory of course, but I think it has to do with being hardwired to cavemen. Grog gets a sharp pointed object and chases down some prehistoric critter and kills it. He thinks: “Food. Grog stab food. Grog eat.” Much further down the road,  distant ancestor Jim Bowie thinks, “I will craft a big knife. Even if I don’t go hunting with it, I will impress my friends”. Although his wife is unimpressed with his handiwork, he was correct about his friends. Years later it’s you buying knives to presumably pass down to your sons. In the meantime, you can impress your friends. Thanks Mr. Caveman.