“Hey John” Advice: Getting to the heart of truly giving thanks

Hey John,

It’s holiday time, and as usual, I’m getting bummed out. Most people who get depressed at holidays focus on the stress of Christmas. I, on the other hand, have the most difficult time with Thanksgiving. Lots of cooking, fast eating and a general feeling of “what the heck was so special about that event?” Any advice to get a grip on this turkey of a holiday?

Two different holidays back-to-back, and two different potential answers. As you’re asking about Thanksgiving, let’s carve up this event.

A number of years ago a lady came in with an ongoing problem with her life. Although I talk plenty (an unusual feature for a therapist I’m told), I couldn’t get a word in edgewise with my client. The irritations were numerous: her kids were making her crazy, her husband was acting extra weirdly, her Mom was a chronic complainer, etc, etc. All were legitimate complaints, but the problems were endless. Like the mythical Hydra, when you cut off one head, two more took its place. Same with her problems. It was an endless flow of negativity.

By her third appointment it seemed clear that she was using me as her sounding board: someone to complain to (and get a little temporary relief), but not to seek solutions. I asked her if she would be interested in a therapeutic experiment. It went like this: “With so much negativity in your life, it’s possible that you have become hyper-focused on all the problems you face. The experiment, or game if you will, is this: for one full day concentrate on all the things you are grateful for. When a negative thought hits your brain, you will need to take manual control of your thoughts and focus on something you are pleased about or grateful for. If you want to make it even more challenging, you can add an extra rule that if you lose control of your negative thoughts, you can do it again the next day. The purpose is two-fold: one is to call your attention to how often negative thoughts go through your head, and secondly, to teach yourself how to manually control your thoughts.”

She cautiously agreed. Two weeks later she shared that the “game” had initially made her crazy. However, after a week of practice she felt immensely better and in control. Years later, she still practices her “thought control.”

So, I now share my private Thanksgiving game with you. I’m glad to be living here the US of A, but I don’t feel like partying down with the pilgrims. The turkey and stuffing is cool, but it’s not enough for me anymore. So I do a personalized version of the above mentioned therapy. Simple rules of this day: no gripin’, no whining, no negativity. Rather, I remind myself, possibly 600 times throughout the day of the things I am grateful for. It’s interesting that this takes a fair amount of effort, meaning I must be spending a lot of time the other 364 days complaining. Man! What’s wrong wit’ dat picture?! I take into serious consideration that to which I am grateful for- then I mentally roll around in it like a pig in mud. I take some time by myself, whether out back, in my room or even in the bathroom to consider points of thankfulness. Make Thanksgiving your own personal holiday and see if you can convert a formally bland or perhaps an unpleasant holiday into a joyful one. You know: Thanks giving.