“Hey John” Advice Column: Volume 6

Hey John,

I have a sister I love very much. But she is with a guy who’s worthless. He has moved in with her, can’t (or won’t) keep a job, spends her money, and is not very nice to her. I get mad every time I go visit her. I want her to leave this bum, but she won’t. We have always been close, but now I don’t even want to go see her until she leaves him. I’m thinking about telling her I’ll be her brother again if she dumps him. What do you think? – The Brother

Dear Bro,

Here’s what I think:

• a)      You are a good, protective brother
• b)      You love your sis
• c)      You seriously dislike bumboy (obviously)
• d)     You are attempting to get her to “see the light”, and hopefully live a better life

Once again, a Hey John question boils down to: how do I change someone else? Well, here’s how to definitely fail: try to force someone to do what you think is best for them. A blackmail scheme that says, “I will only love you if you do what I say” doesn’t work. If you leave her to only Bumstead as the only male in her life, she may forget what a good man is like. It sounds like she knows where you stand. Remaining a good brother is the best way to influence her. If being in the presence of The Bum sickens you, invite her over to your place to enjoy your loving company. Remember, no talkin’ smack about him, or she’ll automatically defend him, and then you’re in a fuss with her. Pleasant, loving times together may help her remember what being happy is like. Stay a good brother through thick and thin.

Hey John,

 It’s a long story, but the short version is this: an older guy we know was sharing with us his terrible dilemma. His wife is a pure-d bonafide alcoholic. She just got out of treatment (again) and started drinking immediately. He told us he knows he’s an enabler, but if he doesn’t go out and buy her booze, she’ll drive herself, regardless of how much she’s had to drink. They’ve been married a long time, and he really doesn’t want to leave her. He’s really sad and lost. – Cold Country Girl

Dear C.C.Girl,

Hospitalization or even a court commitment is only a very short term help. Actually, usually only the family is helped by giving them a tiny break while the lost soul is in treatment against their will. So, if you can’t change someone else, we can only work at changing ourselves. This may seem overly traditional, but family involvement in a group such as Al-Anon can be a big help with keeping some of your sanity. Although small towns have limited Al-Anon resources, larger cities have a huge selection of groups and times. Also, he may want to give the local mental health agency a call and see if they have a list of resources of groups for suffering families. I can’t imagine too many things worse than watching someone you love wither away from self-inflicted harm. I hope he reaches out for help for himself.

To submit questions for “Hey John” please email: JohnSommerCounseling@gmail.com