“Hey John” Advice Column – Volume 6

I am a sixteen year old boy. My parents divorced two years ago, and my Dad has remarried. I got caught by my Mom a month ago with some weed. Now I’m grounded, can’t see my friends, my phone is taken away and I hate living here. I can’t move in with my Dad because his wife doesn’t want me around. Both of my parents drink, and sometimes my Mom drinks too much. When I told her that marijuana  is better for you than her beer, she got really mad at me. So I have two questions: what can I do to get un-grounded and am I right about weed being better than alcohol? – In Prison At Home

Dear Prisoner,

Plenty of parents ground their kids because they are mad at them, and they don’t know what to do except ground to them. The typical error is that there is no definitive end to the punishment. It usually just slowly disappears. I’m in favor of giving the kid a chance to earn his privileges back by laying out for him specifically what he needs to do. If your Mom was worried about you turning into a drooling stoner, she might have said: you lose your phone for a week, give me any paraphernalia I don’t know about, and agree to submit to a home drug test once a month for a few months. Sorry son, but getting high is not okay with me.” Within two weeks, you should be off the grounding.

Your second question is a good inquiry. First and foremost, smoking weed is illegal in a majority of states. Some small communities punish pot smoking with fervor. That means, if you are seventeen or older, you will have a drug charge permanently embedded in your record. It’s a handicap in finding many jobs. Is the weed “better” than sucking up alcohol? A relevant  issue (not discussing the legal issues) is the amount and frequency of any ingested chemical. Chemical use, pot or alcohol, is not a rare occurrence. And people indulge in altered states generally because they like the feeling. So the question is: can one limit doing something that makes them feel good? Can you limit how much and how often you indulge? And, in the case of marijuana, because it is considerably less detectable than alcohol, can one not use it too much or in inappropriate circumstances like going to school or to work? Few people, if any, consider weed to be an performance enhancing drug. Logically then, it would be relegated as a “party” drug; a drug that one might use when their performance didn’t matter much. However, we know that is often not the case. In this case I believe we have a tie: the inappropriate use of either marijuana or alcohol is bad for everyone involved. Additionally, it’s kinda sad developing  a problem with either one. In your case, I’d vote for abstaining from either. I hope you and your Mom take a better look at your potential weaknesses and strive to continually improve your lives.

Hey John,

I am a productive person. I have a successful company and have worked hard for many years to make it successful. Now that my business is doing worse, it has become apparent that my drinking has become a problem. I struggle in my marriage, and the alcohol has helped me to cope. I quit drinking surprisingly easily, and participate in twelve step meetings. My wife will not participate. I have resumed my drinking as of late. As we all know, we start off where we left off. I am drinking a lot by the end of the night (I am writing this in the morning). I am ashamed of myself for being so weak. At this point, I really don’t know what to do. – A Drinker

Dear Drinker,

You didn’t include a bunch of information such as legal issues, if you been in treatment, amount consumed, etc. All of these pieces of information would make for a more informed response. From a more generic standpoint, one standard to go by is this: if the drug is creating problems in your life, the drug is a problem. You have already identified this drug as a problem, so the issue at hand is relapse. The term “relapse” has been commandeered by the drug/alcohol community. The reality is however, it applies to almost every situation where a person is trying to make an improvement in his or her life. A father is working at being more patient and respectful with his wife, then he screws up. An employee is working diligently at coming to work a little early, but then goes back to old habits. Perhaps most relevantly, a very large person goes on a well thought out diet, and loses fifty pounds in a year. Then, starting with a great meal at a friend’s house, begins to gain weight. At gaining twenty pounds, he knows what a worthless person he must be. Do you disagree? Me too. He’s not really worthless, but just suffered an ego-bruising setback. You too. People work diligently at doing something that increases the quality of their lives, then they mess up. So what? Would you tell your chubby friend his efforts were wasted, and just ought to give up and start eating and eating and eating? He has enjoyed some of the fruits of his efforts, as have you. 

There are numerous schools of thought regarding quitting a drug that is harming you. Getting some guidance from a knowledgeable counselor is one. Becoming proactive in a 12 step program is usually the most successful assistance. And by proactive, I mean actually working the steps, not merely going to meetings. But, as a person who has already experienced success in improving his life, I’m probably telling you something you already know. What you don’t know, perhaps, is that some degree of failure is almost guaranteed in our efforts to improve our lives. I repeat: so what? Get over it and get after it.