“Hey John” Advice Column: In-Laws Dislike Hubby After Wife’s Facebook Post

Hey John,

My husband and I have been married for about eight years. We get along well almost always. The problem is my family. My sisters have never really liked “Bobby,” and my mom and stepdad are ok, but not very enthusiastic about him. He works hard, provides us a good living, and is usually pretty patient with the kids. About six months ago, we had a big blow out. We both said some mean things to each other, and he threw the salt shaker against the wall. He moved in with a friend of his for almost a week, but we patched things up and are ok. The night of the fight, I got on Facebook and said what a creep he was. I shared the details of our fight. Then I called my family and told them too. Now, even though we are in good shape, everyone hates him. He was uninvited for Christmas with my family, and they refuse to come over to my house unless he’s at work. My kids want to see their aunts and grandparents more, but they still won’t come over. What do I do?

Sleepless In Seguin

Dear Sleepyhead,

Who boy! There are so many mistakes here; this answer may require a Master’s Thesis to address it all. “Bobby” screwed up by letting his anger turn him into a caveman. Screaming at your wife is typically an improper reaction, to say the least. Next, throwing stuff is extremely threatening and needs to be eradicated from the list of ways of how to get angry. If you can’t get your brains to work properly in order to calm down, adults need to do to themselves what they do to their kids: give yourself a time out. And, although I usually frown upon moving out for a while, I suppose some people do ok with it.

Now you, my dear. What’s up with humanity that makes Facebook a public diary? Let’s say you have a bad case of diarrhea- do you detail your gross experience for everyone to enjoy? No? Then why on earth share with the world your personal troubles, and worse yet, the (hopefully rare) idiot behavior of a loved one? Once, early in my marriage when my Dad had a rare case of acting poorly, my Mom cautioned me: “Johnny, I think couples should not keep secrets from each other. That being said, as your father’s outburst is so unusual, if you detail it to Denise, you may prejudice her against him forever.” So I kept it to myself, and Dad never repeated his noisy outburst again. She was most certainly right. By you using your family as your “therapist,” you have prejudiced them against him. If it is fixable, you should consider having a loving face-to-face with your family and explain the (hopefully rare) angry outburst of your husband. You can give them kind instruction regarding your expectations of the family. Any further hostile resistance to reconciliation should be dealt with kindly, patiently, but firmly. If you have to have your own Christmas’, then make them joyous for your husband and children.

P.S. Keep Facebook fun and chatty. If you need a dang therapist, we’re all over the place.