“Hey John” Advice Column: Hubby’s Porn Addiction Rages Out of Control

Hey John,

My husband has a problem with porn. He watches it as much as he can. Our sex life has disappeared, and pretty much so has he. We don’t do much together, even though he tells me he loves me, and this is just “a trip” he’s going through. If I went to his “boss” to get help, he would be at the very best demoted, and at the worst, discharged. I don’t know what to do. I still love him, but his $900 a month addiction is killing us. Please help.

Joyless On An Island

Dear Island Girl,

Uh oh. Did you close with “his $900 a month…”? Porn changed considerably since the old “Playboy” days. It used to consist of pinups with big breasts poppin’ out at you. Now, internet-accessible porn is well beyond what used to be considered xxx-movies. As I’m sure you are well aware of, these videos, available at a smart phone nearest you, are extremely graphic acts of sex. In my practice, I have had at least a half a dozen marriages that were stomped to death by porn. More than once, I have had a sad wife say, “I can’t compete with these hoe’s on his phone.” The men may rationalize early in their viewing, “it helps me to get stimulated, and improves my sex life”, but their wives are right: basically their husbands are having sex with someone else. Additionally, the 14 year olds are getting a freakish idea of what sex is. Forget about making love: sex is what you are supposed to do for me. This is why parents need to check the history of their kids’ phones. Erased history equals erased phone. However, back to your inquiry.

Even if he doesn’t see anything wrong with it (?), sacrificing for your wife is part of love and marriage and permanence.  The additional problem is the moola being spent. In my experience, NINE HUNDRED dollars for pornography is a red flag the size of an elephant. This “brand” of extreme porn is massively detrimental to not only y’all’s life together, but his mental and emotional well being. This is likely an inpatient treatment issue (with hopefully competent outpatient to follow), and your area has a lot of resources. If he refuses to participate, you can go to his “boss” to request help. Endangering his employment status is rather meaningless, as it seems highly probable you will have to rely on yourself to financially survive if he doesn’t successfully defeat this massive addiction. I wish you strength and perseverance.