“Hey John” Advice Column: The Doughnut Hole Theory

Hey John,

My wife and I became very close friends with another couple. We had been friends for about three years before “Sarah” started to change. They came over less, and invited us over even less. I just changed jobs, and I thought maybe she was jealous that I had gotten a significantly better job. She had been a mainstream Baptist, but switched to a radical evangelistic church with speaking in tongues and some people having seizures on the floor. She switched churches again, and then got into a health food “supplement” craze. She then started following some rather way-out book philosophies like how everything that happens to you is due to what you are willing on yourself. A year passed and their marriage started to get shaky. She finally decided to move to a distant city to “find herself”. They split up, and we have lost almost all contact with them. What happens to people when they go from normal to lost? I really miss our old friendship.

Although it was my failed papier-mâché brontosaurus project in third grade that provided me the standard of comparison, I instead refer to this phenomenon as the Doughnut Hole Theory. Years ago we had a “fun” project (for most I’m guessing) of making papier-mâché animals. As a third grade boy, I chose a dinosaur. A big dinosaur. The problem was that he had a sway back that seemed to absorb endless amounts of the gooey paper. Trying to fix him, I’d pile on so much that he looked like a prehistoric camel. The next day: Sway Back Sam. No matter how much stuff I jammed into the hole, it never filled him up. I eventually surrendered and took home my sad looking brontosaurus.

Oddly enough, this same principle applies to humans. When some folks get unhappy, they seek item after item to fill up with to alleviate their discontent. Sometimes discontented overweight people lose a bunch of weight only to find the unhappiness eventually returns. Some lonely people find numerous companions with the same eventual conclusion. One woman found solace in buying endless furniture for her home. A man would change-out cool car after cool car: same result. Our friend “preacher-hopped,” hoping for external inspiration to meet a need. The examples could go on and on. Seeking happiness by fulfilling a need is like stuffing endless dough into the hole of a doughnut, only to watch it fall through. And, to make matters worse, people convince themselves that the reason they are still unhappy is that they just haven’t found the right thing that they need to make them happy. Loosely translated it reads: “I need, I need, I need.” But it never fills the hole.

So what to do? There is no one definitive answer because everyone is different and the problems are varied.  However, worth consideration is the opposite of I need: I give. Note this is not the magic answer to all forms of unhappiness, but for those lost in their own needs, perhaps it is. Can we find ourselves in extending kindness, extra patience or generosity?  Writing letters or postcards to people (including family) who will be joyous at receiving something from us? Helping a person at work who could use a hand, even if they don’t deserve it? An unhappy wife receives the extra kindness of her husband who is trying to undo his issues and make her happy, but without reciprocated kindness, his efforts will likely yield no positive changes. I need, I need, I need never stops without I give.

I’m really sorry about the loss of an important friendship. Still, I feel worse for your friend. The search for happiness has no conclusion when it’s based on chasing something to fill the emptiness that has to do with meeting your own needs. I hope for enlightenment for your friend. And peace.