“Hey John” Advice Column: Continued from Last Week

Part Two (continued from last week) To Be Or Not To Be (Gay). Is That A Question?

Hey John,

You know, I’d be fine if my daughter decided to just be a lesbian. These guys nowadays are such pigs; she’d probably be better off just sticking with a girl. When I told her that, she blew a fuse and walked out the door. Do you think she’s homophobic? Am I too “hip” as a Dad? What do you say? – Somewhere Over The Rainbow

Dear Somewhere,

When your daughter comes to you sadly or angrily about some idiot boy, she probably needs a compassionate and understanding ear. Instead, you challenged her sexuality. You likely had good intentions, but sometimes we need to shut our pie holes and just listen.

As a qualifying statement, I am not prejudiced towards sexual orientation (on either side). That being said, to presume life would be easier being gay is naive. There are all sorts of problems that gay folks have. There is a much higher incidence of substance abuse, and for those that let their sexuality define a hyper-sexual lifestyle, the incidence of sexually transmitted diseases, including deadly AIDS is much higher than the national average.

Most of us know people who appear to be born gay. The controversy at hand is, can you “switch sides” at will? I’m not sure anyone knows the answer to that question. However, my many years as a therapist working with thousands of adolescents, I have seen the passing of many “disenfranchised youth”. There were “Goths” with a kind of vampire-ish appearance. Much sadness and/or anger. Then came the “emos”, emotional, misunderstood, and wore their feeling on their sleeves. It appears the newest disenfranchisement is declaring your sexuality at an early age. I have had a fair number of pissed off thirteen year olds tell me definitively that they are switching genders. Lots of broken, dysfunctional families are producing all sorts of lost kids. Are they genuinely gay? Perhaps. Perhaps not. To challenge them nose-to-nose is disrespectful and not therapeutic. To let it slide by with no comment is also not therapeutic. It’s a tough situation as a counselor. I do remind kids that permanently defining yourself in anything in your early teens is premature. Everyone seems to agree with the statement: Thirteen is not sixteen. Sixteen is not nineteen. And nineteen sure isn’t twenty-five. Maybe we are not supposed to really know who we are in many regards until we are a little older. After all, straight or gay, being sexual at an early age is developmentally unsound. For the kids out there who are confused, I think rather than a premature declaration, you might want to officially declare, at least for a while that you are undecided.