“Hey John” Advice Column: Boyfriend Threatens Suicide When I Want to Leave

Hey John, 

I have been dating “Chad” for a few months. Things were pretty good for a while, but he was always depressed. He would give a long list of what was wrong with him. He said he had an “anxiety disorder” Then the next week he told me he was “bi-polar”. Then he had a “social phobia”. He told me so many things that were wrong with him, I had to start looking them up on the internet. Things weren’t working out, so I told him I needed some space, and I hoped he could find someone else that would make him happy. I got a text that told me he was going to kill himself if I didn’t come back. I called him, and we talked for about two hours. The next day I texted him and told him I didn’t want to see him anymore. He texted me about how was going to kill himself. What do I do? I don’t want him to kill himself, but I want to be happy. I don’t know what to do.

Unhappy Teenager

Dear Ms. Teen,

I received this inquiry the day after I worked with a pre-divorced woman who’s banged up husband did exactly the same thing (“you broke my heart, now watch me die”). Let’s go to Dating: The Early Days. What should you do to impress your girl? Buy her some flowers? Score some delicious Godiva chocolates for her? Take her out to hear her favorite band? Wait…. how about this to win her heart: tell her you are getting your dad’s gun and you’re going to blow your brains out if she doesn’t go out with you. That should win her over.

At exactly what point in de-evolution some people stopped trying impress someone, and instead tried to intimidate them to stay with them is unknown. However uncommon, I believe it is somewhat more frequent than in days past. Although these twisted-up folks deserve some sympathy, you also feel like slapping the dog out of them.

In terms of numbers, sad, screwed up boyfriends who try to keep their girls by threatening self destruction rarely continue with their demise. However, out of compassion (and guilt relief), I would advise you to spend 30 minutes or so researching therapists, and even hospitals that help with depression. You can write or text him the fruits of your kind effort, wish him well, and block him from your phone. Giving in to threats always opens the floodgates for endless threats and intimidations in the future. It’s time to punt.